The Trouble with DCS and What We Learned from our First Girl Placement

Well, some good news for those that have kept up with us concerning our "heartbreak" kid. Recently my brother and sister-in-law decided to get out of town for fall break and it was also during the time of my wife's birthday (turning another decade older) so we had to celebrate the occasion some way. Our choices were Florida, Myrtle Beach, and an area where Z calls home.

The choices were equally in the air. The only difference was the comfortability of pulling a camper to those places and of course extra costs for entertainment. They have two younger children and after our limited experience in Foster care we now understand that providing outlets of entertainment can be paramount for one's own sanity.

It was eventually decided to go to the area where Z lives (I was just as happy going to the beach and working beside the ocean for the week. The trip to Florida would have been tricky as I would probably have to be working while driving and I wasn't really a fan of that, especially since I was going to have make that trip again in less than a month for a cruise - which got canceled that week). While I was a little dissapointed about not going to the beach I was excited about the possibility of seeing Z as well as nervous too.

Once it was decided I started to reach out to Z's team (our agency contact, his counselor, and FSW - Family Service Worker or DCS) to make sure it would be okay for us to visit. I was told that we could be a "support" for Z and his family which would be to basically help him still feel an attachment or connection within what they call the circle of safety while helping to "Bridge" the connection between us as foster parents and the system as a way to support and encourage the parents.

We were told everything was good and was encouraged to reach out to Z's family to make the arrangements. Ultimately it was up to the family if they were comfortable with our visit or even to spend time with kiddos. We did, very nervously as this was a new step for us, and everyone was fine with the plan to visit or even to take Z and his younger brother out for an outing.

I super excited now at this point and thought, "this could work!". This was on Friday. On the following Tuesday we arrived to our campground and the plan was to meet and his family after school on Wednesday. We would deliver the remaining parts of his stuff he had left at our house and conversate with the family a little bit before taking off on a fun adventure. In anticipating of our outing I went ahead and bought the tickets we needed because of social distancing/COVID -19/capacity restriction.

During the days the wife was spending time shopping and having fun with my brother and sister-in-law and I was staying in our cabin working. On Wednesday the day had arrived. Our full plan was to take Z out on Wednesday and then on Saturday we were going to spend the day together out as well (this is important to know).

After work on Wednesday we took off, tickets in hand, to Z's house. When arrived we saw Z riding his bicycle down the drive to meet us. I thought, wow, he is so excited to see us. But it wasn't excitement. Z was coming to warn us that something was going on. I asked him what it was and he just said, "you'll see". So, we pulled in and his family came out to begin unloading my truck. His dad told me there was bad news.

"Oh? What's going on?" I said.

"DCS is canceling the trip. She wants to speak to you all." Z's Dad told me.

"Okay." I responded.

As we were unloading the FSW came out. A young female with which I could tell had a "chip on her shoulder". She introduced herself and began explaining the situation. As she began Z's dad asked us to come inside away from the ears of the neighbors.

I could understand the concern for privacy but had I known what she was going to be saying about Z I would have insisted on staying outside so as to not make Z more upset (because what child or even adult likes to hear someone talking about them rather than addressing them directly). I failed.

We went inside and she began again telling me about the situation which as I learned later was not the full story. As she was telling me what had transpired and that they were not going to allow the outing Z became increasingly upset. I could tell his younger brother was upset and tearing up as well. Z became very angry and yelling from his room how what she was saying was not true and they he had already explained what was going on to her and honestly, it was so very difficult for me to just stand there while this child was crying. I wanted to end the discussion right then, go back in his room and comfort him. But I didn't know how the family would react to that and the FSW. I was really trying to give the benefit of a doubt to this person whom I had never met before that day.

She basically explained (I will not share the details but just enough for you to understand) that she had asked Z about a device he had and the origin of the device as well wanting access to it. And Z complied after some difficulty. When she accessed the device she began questioning everything. Z's privacy had been violated and her approach was not very tactful. Which made Z quite upset and apparently (after she had left the family told me the rest of the story) she began yelling at him and using a derogatory name which only escalated the situation. As the FSW she would should know his profile and the trauma suffered by him and his "triggers" and also as a "professional" she should know how to appropriately handles situations. She exhibited none of that evidence. And so because she actually instigated the escalation which Z reacted in a predictable manner as I think any normal teenager would, she was going to penalize them by cancelling the trip (which we were told that the parents had the ultimate decision).

As as foster parent I have learned one of the biggest roles is to stand as an advocate for the child and sometimes for the birth parents when necessary. So, in this situation, I acknowledged my role was to be an advocate for both. Especially with birth parents being very timid and afraid of the system currently. So I began to challenge the FSW. I told them I recognized the fact that bad behavior should not be rewarded and that the proper method is to use positive reinforcement for desired behaviors. But these kiddos don't get much positive reinforcement. They have done well since being home for two weeks and nothing has been done to recognize that fact. That this was a single isolated incident that, let's be honest, was handled poorly by the adults and could have been mediated. I told her I had a similar conversation with Z when he was at our home and we had no issue like what was going on now. I also was trying to dig into "WHO" was cancelling the trip because our understanding was that the parents could ultimately decide (this was me advocating for the birth parent's rights). I stated that if the parents still wanted to cancel the trip then I would be in agreement BUT if DCS was cancelling the trip I would argue it. The FSW informed me that it was her decision. So then I asked, "What if the parents disagree with that decision?".

She told me "...in that case I would call my supervisor, and their supervisor for them to come out and if I really wanted to I could just go ahead and remove the kids that night again because of their behavior but I needed to know if we were going to challenge that right then because people would be leaving the office soon."

I was a little shocked at that. She actually threatened to remove the kids that night because of their behavior. In front of the kids mind you. I was actually quite upset at this. This is NOT OVER! The bear or the Lion or whatever you want to call it was about to surface but I wanted to try diplomacy. I looked at the parents and said, "Listen, I am under the impression that while these are in your home and physical custody, it is your decision as to if you would allow them go places. If you agree with their decision then fine, but if you don't I will back you up. What do you want to do?"

Well, they are pretty timid and rightfully so, they really don't have much knowledge as to their rights or representation. It seems NO ONE is being truly represented legally in this system. So they said they wanted them to go but basically didn't want to rock the boat and were complying with the FSW's decision. At that point I asked the FSW, "That's fine, then since you all are cancelling the trip that had already been agreed upon, would I be getting reimbursed for the financial investment into the tickets?" I didn't really need the money but it was a matter of principle at this point. "No!" she said. And I think to myself, we will see about that.

So with that she left and the kids had calmed down and asked if we could stay and hangout there with them since we couldn't go anywhere. I told them if their parents were okay with it then that was fine. Besides, we kind of needed to spend some time with their parents and let them get to know us some more.

They agreed and the kiddos began showing us all around. Talking with the parents and the siblings. Learning more about what transpired before we had arrived and their concerns about what was going on. I was able to take them out for coffee at Starbucks, a little treat, and we came back. The stars were beautiful at their house and I told them at Mars was visible and Z pulled out his telescope and we looked at it. Then it was late and we needed to go back home. I asked to speak to Z alone but not before I asked his mother and his sister if there was anything I could do to continue advocating for them they should let me know. I spoke to Z about remembering how important life choices are and the consequences of them and also reminded him of some calming and grounding technique when he felt like he was losing control. I told him I had to do some of those myself at times. I gave him a great big hug and said goodbye.

Our plans for Saturday didn't work out for various reasons of timing and logistics but we did manage to stop by for about an hour when leaving town. We brought the family some treats as well. I haven't heard from them or Z in over a week. I miss that. But I also know it is important to give them family time to create their own bonds and give them the space they need to succeed without my interruption. I told them I would check in after a couple of weeks and maybe try going out again.

During the week the week we had gotten several phone calls for respite or temporary placements. One was for a kiddo we had previously just needing a weekend getaway. We said yes. Another was a potential pre-adoptive placement. That call was about 2 hours long but ulotimately we said no because of violence towards others. While I feel confident in my ability to handle that, I needed to fufill my first obligation to my wife to protect her. We had another call for a 17 year old female that was aging out and needed a place for about 4 weeks. Well, I knew that the wife and I still needed a break from our heartbreak experience and we were not in a good emotional place yet to take on anyone for that duration. I hated to say no but we needed to do have our "self-care" time. Our cup had been emptied with Z and we needed the time to fill it back up.

Then we received another call for another female needing a 1 week placement. Her foster family was going out of town and DCS did not want to disrupt their visitation schedule as they were about to be reunited. Kind of a similar situation with Z. We said yes to her. For a few reasons. 1) It was only a week and we thought that would be fine. 2) They already her setup on vitural learning for school, 3) DCS would handle the visitation transportations, and 4) we wanted to see what would be like to have a female in the house.

Well, we picked her up Saturday when we got back home. We will call her...Ms. A. So, Ms. A was a sweet girl. We had no issues or problems with her. She is at our minimum age requirement but she seemed definitely more mature than her age. So a few things about our week together:

Girls definitely are harder to wake up in the morning than boys (IMO).
She didn't eat as much as boys (although we spend a good amount on groceries and even dining out a couple of times).
I know she was our first girl, but, the boys we have had had been more organized (believe it or not.)
She shared the same concerns about the system and DCS that the wife and I had. For example: In her words, "I feel more traumatized from being removed and constantly being moved than from the reason we were removed.". That was eye-opening for us.
I was always out- numbered when it came to movies at night or choice (we watched the whole Twilight Saga and began Matrix Trilogy)
I got to see my wife have someone to relate and talk to. That was nice. And I got to see a little of the reversal of roles since we have had mostly boys until now.

During our time together she would call my name like Z would when he was here. It was annoying at times but I learned to appreciate it. A bitter-sweet memory in the tone and inflection of calling my name. I miss that the most. She would call my name out and I would just pause and enjoy the moment and feeling. Someone once said to me that the sweetest thing you say to a person is their own name. After all, is a Rose by any other name a Rose?

I was able to visit and learn about Isaiah 117 House during the week. This is a very special place and a needed place. Isaiah 117 offers a place for DCS to bring a kiddo when they are removed to have a loving and comfortable place while the DCS worker tries to find a placement home for them. While the kiddo is there, there are volunteers that just love on the kiddo. Traditionally, they would be taken to the DCS office and would stay there for hours or days while they found a suitable placement. Each time hearing the rejection one after another until there is a "yes". The child becomes futher traumatized by thinking they are not worthy, they are unwanted, and they must be bad for this to be happening.

Isaiah 117's story is incredible and I would invite you to check them out, learn more about them. And if you could provide support by volunteering or financial support it would not go in vain. They provide the kiddo's with clothes and toys, and even send meals with them to the foster home when they leave the Isaiah 117 house. I will tell you from my experience, when we get a kiddo, we wonder and worry about what to do for dinner that evening. We don't know what they like and so often we eat out that first night.

So, that has been our update. Until next time we continue to ask for prayers of support and discernment. We continue to seek out our "forever son" and try to just continue to have positive experiences for the ones we get temporarily. I did get small update on our first extended stay kiddo, Mr. D and found out he was really enjoying his current place and was super excited when they got there and found out all the things he could do. Also, we have re-arranged our guest rooms a little bit more. Adding a bunk bed to our prayer room and a desk to other "primary" guest room for the kiddos. Trying to make the place more kid friendly. We moved the playstation to the guest room so that it would not monopolize our living room time (for the wife) and it also provides a revocable privilege. So, until next time!!