Heartbroken - Attachment - And Loss

 

---Warning----Long Post----You May Cry----

First, I apologize in advance for any spelling errors or grammar mistakes but I am sure you will understand the spirit and intent of this post.  Really it is a therapy letter for myself and you are invited on this journey with me.

Our intention was never to become so attached to a child that we would feel the emotional grief others had warned us about when beginning this journey unless it was OUR CHILD (meaning they were available for adoption).  How naïve, I know.  I had thought I had safeguards in place to protect against that.  But I failed to acknowledge the possibility of what we just went through over the last couple of weeks.

The safeguards we had placed were that since we began this journey with the intention to adopt we were only looking at those kiddos that would be placed in our care that would not be returning home to their birth parents, meaning they were in full state guardianship.  However, to get some experience under our belts we opened our home up to respite weekends and we accepted a kiddo temporarily for two weeks. 

We had one kiddo on his way to another placement and then we got a call on a Thursday afternoon for another kiddo.  This kiddo was on his way home and the previous foster family was about to welcome a new birth and needed another family to take in the kiddo, "Z".  I was weary at first but Z was of the age that we were interested in and wanted to see what that would be like to have two under our roof for a couple of weeks.  Again, as I described it to our placement team, we were wading more towards the deep end of the pool cautiously.  Little did I know what would happen over the next 24, 48, 72 hours and the next 10 days.

I went through my usual rounds of questions to assess behaviors and interactions with small children and pets and once that round was passed I started trying to figure out if Z would fit into our weekend plans.  The family was going camping for the weekend and I needed to make sure that he would enjoy it so I asked some leading questions and felt comfortable.  With that, I said "Yes".  He would be arriving sometime Friday evening after school.

So, this is our story, and I write it in a way to journal and document our time together.  Perhaps one day Z will read this and reminisce on the time we had shared and all the happy memories.

1st Friday

We were anxiously awaiting your arrival Friday afternoon and were excited to have you.  Our plans were to just go out to dinner that night and make it easy.  It was getting a little late and we were trying to figure out our plans with our other kiddo so we sent a message to your worker asking when to expect you. They offered to meet us at the restaurant provided we would have enough space in our vehicles for all your possessions.  I thought, how much does he have?  Apparently it was a car load.  So we decided to just wait until you arrived at our house to help you unload.

A short time later everyone arrived and when I saw how much was coming with you I made the suggestion to pull to the front door to make unloading easier and then we all chipped in to take things to your bedroom.  I got to meet your younger brother whom we didn't have room for at the time and would be going to another foster family close by.  My thoughts were that you both were sweet and good kids upon meeting you and first impressions.  Considerate as well.  Z began unloading without hesitation and his younger brother pitched in as well.  

I was able to speak with the case worker a little while everyone was unloading and getting settled.  Then I watched as your younger brother got back into the car to go to his new foster family.  The case worker asked if you all wanted to hug to which you were like "nah" so I suggested that perhaps Monday we can all get together and do something after everyone had got settled into their new homes.

Then, off we went to dinner.  We chose Mad Greek where everyone could get something that they might like.  Pizza for the boys and the wife and I could get our favorite dish.  The entire pizza was consumed between the two boys and we even introduced some Tzaziki dip.  While at dinner we discussed some house rules and expectations and plans for the weekend and upcoming week.

When we returned home we spent more time getting everyone settled and then pulled up a movie.  One movie that D wanted to watch but never finished (i guess he got bored), and then we switched to another movie that Z wanted to watch.  I was caught off guard by it, but it was a good family movie called "Playing with Fire".  Several hilarious moments and that night was one of my favorite nights just watching a movie together in the living room.

Saturday

This morning we got up and began fixing a big breakfast complete with eggs (sunny side up which I am terrible at but learning), pancakes (mickey mouse style), and bacon.  D helped with the pancakes, Z with the bacon, and I fixed the eggs.  It was this morning I learned you liked coffee as much as myself and even came with your own Keurig as well as enjoyed cooking like me.  What surprised me even more was the amount of cookbooks you had!

After breakfast you began tinkering around the house and asked if you could weed eat a little.  I had some Scout boys (whom I call my penguins) coming to mow that afternoon so I thought sure.  Z can go ahead and weed eat and I'll let the penguins just finish mowing so they can earn money for their fundraising trips.

I continued to be surprised by this kid's initiative in being productive and helpful to others.  I had offered to D to help out around the house but he was not very interested.  We had created an incentive program to allow anyone in our household earn extra money beyond their normal allowance.  Although those tasks were not expected to be completed.  Their everyday chores included doing homework, keeping their room clean, normal hygiene, etc.

After Z finished weed eating he came back inside and began helping with cleaning house for Saturday morning.  Cleaned the breakfast dishes, swept and mopped floors, took out trash and so on.  I know the wife really appreciated the help and we just looked at each other.  At this point the wife and I both said to each other, this is the example of what we are looking for in our future adopted son.

Later in the afternoon after the penguins had completed mowing we went to my friend's house who was hosting a Labor Day party.  I knew it would be a great mutually beneficial event since Z and D both enjoyed swimming as well as having a cookout and outdoor movie.  Additionally, it allowed Kristi and I to catch up with friends (whom we consider family) while the other kiddos were entertaining themselves.

Unfortunately there was a little altercation later in the evening between D and Z in the pool but thankfully I was in the pool with them at the time to break it up.  Z gets really excited in the water and D has some things in his history which I could tell was coming to the surface and would react different from a regulated kid.  So I had to enforce a little discipline and we left without seeing the movie.  D later apologized for his actions and no one was hurt.

Sunday

After we got home Saturday night I decided to make an impromptu trip to the campground where the rest of the family were staying for the weekend.  We had already planned on going but were going to leave Sunday morning and stay Sunday night since schools were out Monday.  But I decided I would rather wake up at the campground the next morning.  So we gathered everything up and left.  We arrived at the Clinch River Family Campground in Duffield, VA at about 10pm.  In the process of packing and making sure EVERYONE else was packed we found out when we arrived I had forgot to pack pillows and blankets.  Luckily there were some extra in the campers.

Now, before this trip could even happen we had to get "Travel Passes" for both kiddos since we were going out of the state of Tennessee.  Unfortunately this is not an easy task but I made clear for anyone placed in our home that we needed Travel Passes for Virginia since we do shopping in Virginia as well.  Crossing state lines can be a big deal with foster kids as they are technically in the custody of the state.  At the eleventh hour we finally got it.

We woke up Sunday morning and began the usual camp routine.  Coffee first, sipped outside in the cool air overlooking the quiet Clinch River.  Then the stirring of bodies as they wake up.  We began breakfast. Oh, I think at one time in the middle of the night D fell out of his bunk bed.  I waited to hear "ouch" or something that would alert to me to an injury but nothing.  So I quietly chuckled a little and went back to sleep.

After breakfast we kind of set the agenda for the day.  Something I typically don't do but with kids I guess it is necessary to have a loose plan.  D was content on playing basketball all day at the basketball court which was in eye sight of the camper and Z wanted to fish.  

Well, fishing is right up my alley.  I hadn't fished in a while and that sounds easy and peaceful enough.  I am not that too interested in sports or athletics so with division of labor everyone else kept an eye on D while I spent the morning with Z fishing.  It proved to not be as relaxing and peaceful as I had hoped.  I spent most of the time redoing fishing lines on poles and and freeing lines from snags.  But it was fine.  It brought back memories of fishing with my Dad and grandparents that Z probably never got to have.

For the afternoon we decided to go to Natural Tunnel State Park and then tubing down the river.  It was pretty relaxing and had I known how easy it was we probably would have done it multiple times.  It was during this float I got to learn about Z as he told me his story and about his life and what his goals were.  I couldn't believe some of similarities between us.

That evening Z wanted to go fishing again so in between my fixing a Dutch oven meal I was fishing with him once again.  During one of my trips from the campsite to the fishing spot (as I am keeping an eye on dinner) I decided to grab a can of Coke for both of us since I hadn't seen Z drink anything in a while.  I found him, he moved down a little further to a bank and as I sat down on the edge I place my foot in the water where I thought there was solid mud.  But it wasnt....so down I went, rolling into the mud and water while tyring to protect my can of coke (which failed) and Z is just laughing the whole time while I am trying to climb back out.  Well, I am glad I was able to provide some entertainment. All my clothes are now covered in mud and my coke is ruined.  I drudged back to a "swimming spot" and waded out there to get cleaned up.  Z joined me a little to swim before we went back for dinner.  

After dinner, we had our little campfire and started some s'mores.  Z and my niece and nephew were getting along quite well.  He played video games with my niece and they both liked to draw and do art.  My nephew, who is a handful, also got along famously with Z.  Later on that night my 9 year old niece came to me at the campfire and said, "Z has a little bit of each of us in him"!  It was that night that I really began getting attached to Z.  My niece also made a comment to him saying, "Even though you'll only be here a short time, you will always be family!".  Out of the mouth of babes right?  My niece has one of the most intuitive and gifted personalities I have ever known.  She truly has a gift in our family.

Monday

Monday we returned home and began unpacking and doing laundry.  The main event of the day was grocery shopping and going to the mall that evening so Z and his brother could reunite for a little bit.  Z was actually enjoying the break from his little brother but I know he cares for him (although he won't admit that openly).  

We all went grocery shopping because honestly wasn't sure what to get everyone and gave each boy $20 to spend on snacks or specific items they wanted beyond the normal groceries for meals.  It's also the first time we had 4 mouths to feed instead of 2 so the wife and I were kind of playing it by ear to come up with meal plans.  Our normal two-night meal would probably only last one night and we rarely keep snacks in the house.  However, with these two boys, snacks are important and a constant staple.

One thing I didn't anticipate though...was fighting over who had control over the shopping cart.  They each wanted to push it.  Well, lesson learned.  We must designate that from here on out.  Our budget for groceries prior to having kiddos averages around $60 week.  Yep, that's right.  Unbelievable I am sure but it is.  With these kiddos we were about double that.  School lunch helps a lot.

After grocery shopping we went to the mall about an hour ahead of schedule to look around.  Visiting various stores and looking at items and just killing time until our reserved time slot at Vision Question VR in the mall.  The time had come and we met the other family there and checked in.

I wasn't planning on playing and was just going to let the boys play but Z wanted me to join in.  So, with the wife's permission, I did.  We played a couple of separate games and Z and his brother were able to catch up.  I believe his younger brother and D were able to play a cooperative boxing game together.  At the end Z and I rode a VR Rollercoaster together as well.  We even saw the other foster parents get into the games.  They must of liked it because my friend who owns the store sent me a message later in the week letting me know they had booked another time to come out.

After our game time we all met at the food court to enjoy dinner.  It was great for us to meet another foster family and chatted a little. Mostly about if we got word on the educational plans for our new placements to which neither of us got any information on.  Z made sure his younger brother got enough to eat and actually does look after him.  I could tell he was a kind hearted soul despite the challenges he had encountered in his life so far.

Tuesday 

Tuesday arrived it was basically a normal day.  Got up early to have my few minutes of peace and quiet with a cup of coffee then I woke D up for school.  Dropped him off and back home to fix breakfast for everyone else.

My task for the day, work on Z's school stuff try to get the rest of the information I needed to know such as appointments and visitation schedules for Z.

Unfortunately DCS had not got their act together in providing an Educational Passport.  The educational passport allows us to enroll them into our local schools.  Their previous school was about 45 minutes away and in a different county/city.  We were told they could be enrolled virtually but they had not laptop/computer to complete schoolwork.  When I reached out to their school they offered no assistance since my wife and I were not listed as the parents.  So again I had to wait until DCS updated the school.

In the mean time I thought I would do my due diligence by speaking with our other two schools to enroll him.  Of course both needed the educational passport which I did not have and second, because he would only be with me a short time they didn't want mess with the enrollment and transfer of records.  

Come to find out eventually that their current school system wanted to actually charge a tuition since they were no longer residing in the district.  So now we have a case of NO SCHOOL SYSTEM wanted them, ugh[facepalm]. More on this later though.

So for the afternoon Z and I washed and cleaned cars and he got to watch TV.  I am sure he didn't mind not going to school but we found that school offered some needed respite and allowed myself, especially, the time to get some work done.

Wednesday

Today was quite busy.  Didn't know just how busy. We took D to school and found out he would be leaving us the next day.  We knew he would be leaving this week but did not know exactly when.  When we found out we started gathering some going away gifts for him.  He was going to be going to the other side of the state so a road trip was in order.

The wife, Z, and I went shopping for some various snacks and favorite food items, a card, and some games to keep him occupied on the trip.  He has also been wanting (and needing) a new pair of shoes.  But not just any pair of shoes, his favorite basketball player's branded shoe.

While shopping I began playing a game with Z.  A game I had started as Scoutmaster which involved "tagging" people with clothes pins.  Z didn't know about this, so while we were wandering in the stores he continuously got tagged.  It was hilarious to watch him unknowingly walking around with clothes pins attached to his shirt.  Once he found out about this little game it got pretty serious and became a daily competition between us at home.

Off we went to the Johnson City Mall to get D's favorite pair of shoes.  It was here that I saw a glimpse of Z's generosity.  He offered to pay for part of D's shoes.  Wow! A kid he barely knew and he wanted to help pay for a gift for him!  He wanted to pay half but I wouldn't allow that because I didn't want him to use all his money.  I allowed him to pay for a small portion because he wanted to.  I continued to get amazed by this kid.

Also, he wanted to make a side trip to get a prank for my sister-in-law.  To which I said, "of course!" Anytime to play a prank on my sister-in-law!  We picked out fart candy because he knew he could play it off as if he made it (since everyone in the family knows he likes to cook).

We returned home and began making a nice dinner along with Dutch oven apple cobbler for D.  D's case worker picked him from school and took him for ice cream while she broke the news to him about his next placement.  We were all prepared for him to be in a bummed out mood and even made arrangements for Z to possibly not be home if that was the case.  However, D's case worker texted me and said everything was fine and he was okay.

These kiddos probably don't know this but if you are a parent you can relate.  If your kid is feeling a certain way (anxious, nervous, upset, etc) you are probably feeling the same.  I know we were.  We were nervous and anxious for D all day.  

So, D returned home with smiles and we talked it up a great deal how the place he was going was going to be amazing for him, which it was.  And we told him how we had a special dinner planned for him with dessert.  Afterwards we went to the church for him play some Basketball and it was there that Z delivered the prank candy to my sister-in-law.  She lives just a couple of streets over and came "running" when she heard Z made something special just for her!  

He handed it off and she placed it in her mouth. "Yum, it tastes like licorice!" she says.  We are just smiling.  Later we send her a copy of the package and asked her how her breath smells.  It was a great delivery and she admitted it was good.  

After basketball we took D back home to begin packing, after a shower of course, and then unveiled his gifts to him.  He was quite excited and thrilled, especially the shoes that everyone pitched in for him.  He had been complaining about his shoes hurting his feet for a while now and he was also pretty particular about his shoes and keeping them clean.

I had finally heard back from DCS they had changed the contact information over at the school and so I called the school to confirm his virtual enrollment.  Which they replied they could not switch him.  He would have to attend Monday and Tuesday and virtual the rest of the week.  I asked if they had a computer and they said no.

I contacted his case worker and informed them that he needed a computer and also that he would need transportation to school since we could not due to work schedules.  I got word later on that we could go purchase a laptop for him and DCS would reimburse that.  "Great!" I thought.

He also had a video chat with his dad that evening and I thought it would be great to try to reach out to his teachers at school so they can say bye as he would not be there the next day.  So thankfully we were able to reach out to them via Facebook and get them on a video chat with him.  It is unfortunate sometimes in the lives of these kiddos that they can move fast.  Here one day and gone the next.  One part that I wish could be changed about the system.  To allow for closure and better transitions.  It is the "disruption in placements" that causes more trauma I think.

Thursday

Thursday morning came and we prepared a final breakfast for D and everyone chipped in to help do his final pack and place everything at the door ready for his ride. I sat on the front porch with coffee in hand thinking about the experience I had over the last couple of weeks with D and also remembering the first night I had two kiddos under the roof at one time.  

Soon, the case workers arrived to pick up D and helped them load everything in their car.  Did a final walkthrough to make sure he got everything out his drawers and rooms as well as make sure he had easy access to his snacks and drinks for the ride.  We said our goodbye and well wishes and off they went.

Next job, clean his room, change sheets/laundry, almost like a hotel.  We offered for Z to move into D's room since it was the bigger room.  The current room where Z was is actually our prayer room.  Z didn't hesitate.  Our plan was to move the twin bed from the prayer room to the current guest room and remove the queen bed, then replace the twin bed in the prayer room with a futon couch.

This allow the guest room to have more space to add a desk so who ever occupies that room could have a place to do their homework and such.  We rarely have guests at the house any ways.  So, Z and I got to work re-arranging the rooms and moving furniture. On Friday we would take the queen bed frame to my brother's house for storage.

Z spent the rest of the day getting his new room setup and his computer we got the night before.  We also made plans to go camping one night on the trail the next night. Z also had his first unsupervised visit with his family this evening.  So, I took him to the meeting place and on the way I asked him how he was feeling and how he felt.  It wasn't very positive and I could tell that he felt like he was being forced into things he wasn't ready or wanting to do.  

Upon arrival I met his parents who seemed nice enough, got to see his younger brother again and even met his older sister.  Parents were excited to see them which is understandable.  I even got his sister in on the tagging game.  Z's case worker would bring him home later in the evening when they were done.

Tonight we also had a guest for dinner, one of my Scout boys who just got their Eagle award.  He was wanting to award myself and my friend (another previous Scoutmaster) with an Eagle Mentor Pin.  So I invited him over for dinner where we could catch up.

Z arrived just a little bit before my Scout kid did and he asked if he could have some of the meal I prepared.  I said, "of course" and also said he could join us.  He made the comment that he just get a little bit and eat in his room.  I said "No, you are welcome to eat with us at the table.  You don't need to feel like a stranger." He said at a previous placement that if they ate during a visitation that the home wouldn't fix anything for him.  That's when I said, "You are welcome to anything we have".

Soon Orion (my Scout boy) came over and we had dinner together.  Told stories and caught up.  I sent a message to my friend George to swing by and he did.  He began regaling us with more stories and topics as is in George fashion.  During this time I could tell Z was feeling a little left out and he began trying to find ways to garner attention.  It was also getting late and I started making subtle cues to invite everyone to leave as Orion had school early in the morning and we honestly could stay up and talk all night (which I don't mind but Z would feel left out).

Later Z spoke to me and opened up about his time with his parents and his desire to not go home.  

2nd Friday

Today we got up and began preparing for our camping trip.  Packing clothes and backpacks, as well as food.  We also washed the cars, which is what Z wanted to do.  Then loaded up the bed frame to take to my sister-in-law's house.  While there Z had made a comment that he wanted a hair cut.  So she took him into her shop and got it done.  While he was captive to her chair she took the opportunity to talk to him about her story when she was young and encouraged him to be brave, and strong as well as speak up for himself.

After the hair cut her and I was talking and she revealed to me some things Z had told her.  While we were talking Z was at her pool with his hand in the water.  He was asking if we had time to swim.  I looked at my watch was like, "No, we wouldn't have time to go back to the house and change clothes to come back over plus finish packing for our camping trip."

So, then it occurred to me, why not show him how to do something spontaneous!  I asked, "have you have gone swimming or just jumped in fully clothed before?" "No!" he said.  "Well, today's the day!" so I went over and removed stuff from my pockets and jumped in.  I am sure he thought I was crazy and was not expecting a parental figure to something like that.  Sure enough, he followed my lead.  He was like "what about drying off?".  I just told him my seats were leather and we dry off with the windows down.

We swam and played a little in the pool and then it was time to get out and finish our tasks for the day.  On the way home I asked him if he wanted lunch since we had not had breakfast.  He said yes and then I asked him what he felt like.  He said, "Chinese".  "That's exactly what I was thinking!" I said.  He didn't believe me but I find that we are more alike then possible.

Back at home we ate our lunch and finished packing.  We set out for our evening adventure.  The next day he was going to have his first overnight visit at home and so our time together was set on a continuous clock counting down.

We arrived to our campsite and began setting up.  I was going to place the tent in a particular spot but Z wanted it elsewhere.  Which I agreed was another good spot.  Later, had we place the tent in the spot I wanted, a tree limb would have fallen on us!  He said he had an intuitive feeling about that spot.  We began to gather wood and then it started to rain.  Of course!  So now we began covering everything up and waited for it to die down.  We sat in the tent and listened to music and talked.  Then the rain finally let up.

Back to fire building.  We were able to get it going enough to prepare our meal.  A specialty of mine, Butter Garlic Herb steak packs with carrots and potatoes.  We feasted quite well and had cinnamon butter apples for dessert.  While eating he began talking about staying with us and even adoption.  I told him it was a little soon to talk about that and that he was in process to being reunited with his family.

We had an honest discussion about what that would look like and the expectations.  I told him he would have to stay with us for a minimum of 6 months and be in full state custody before we could even talk about adoption possibilities.  Inside I was super excited, I would take him in a heartbeat.

After we ate, I secured all food stuffs so we wouldn't attract any visitors and our fire was dying with little hope of recovery so I decided to turn in.  He followed soon after and grabbed my iPad.  Previously he had downloaded some movies so we could watch in the tent together (in case of rain).

He played the first movie and it was about midnight when it ended.  I was barely staying awake (long day of getting things done and prepared).  So I rolled over and began sleeping.  He turned it off and rolled over as well.  A little bit later I hear, "Davan?" I said, "Yes?"

"Are you awake?" he asks.

"I am if you need me to be." I replied.

"Okay, just wondering" as he goes back to sleep.

An hour passes and he continues to toss and turn.  "Are you okay? Do you need anything?" I ask him.  He responds, "No, I'm good.".

"Having trouble sleeping?"

"A little" he says.

"Got a lot on you mind?  Need to talk about anything?" I ask him.

"No, not right now."

"Okay, well, if you do or you need anything just let me know.  If you want, you can watch the other movies if it helps, it won't bother me." I tell him.  Actually, I can't sleep with any electronic devices on, especially screens, but if he needs that to help him then I will sacrifice my comfort for his.

He watches the rest of the movies downloaded. At about 4:30 a.m. he finishes and begins to settle down to sleep.  He got up several times. I could he was feeling uneasy and uncomfortable.  Probably thinking about having to go home the next day.

In the few hours of sleep that I had, I dreamt that our campsite got attacked by a bear and I pulled my gun out to protect us.  I woke afraid I had actually grabbed my gun in my hand.  Thankfully, I did not.

I also came to appreciate how nice it was to go camping with my Scout boys in comparison to a non-Scout in relation to knowing how to pack a pack, setup a campsite, and start a fire.  As well as, take-down and cleaning up while following the principles of Leave No Trace.

However, I also recognized it as an opportunity to teach those skills once again.

Saturday

Saturday morning we packed up.  The original plan was to hike to the falls but because of the time constraints we did not have time to do that. Z suggested to go ahead and leave and grab some breakfast.

That was fine for me because I really wanted to take a shower after playing with fire all night and being wet and cold from the rain.  As we were coming off the mountain I asked about his preference for breakfast.  He likes chicken but never had The Original Chicken biscuit from Chick-fil-A.  So we made a stop for him to try it.  Z basically eats anything chicken as is his preference.  I also found out he likes plain lemonade, not pink or other kinds.

We got home and he took his shower and I took mine.  Then he began packing his things for his trip home.  We had offered to take him which was 2 hours away since our schedules and the other people involved with transportation were not syncing up.  Z had asked us if we would stay in a hotel close by. 

The whole night and over the past couple of days I could he was pretty nervous about going home.  So I used my hotel points and booked a room for us to stay and that way we could pick him up the next day to come home.  It also allowed us time to visit some family in the area and even perhaps do a little sight seeing.

After finding his house and dropping him off we left to go check in to our hotel.  We thought we would do some sight seeing but we both were worn out.  I never knew how tired I was until we had kiddos in the house.  Prior to getting to the hotel I stopped and picked up some Krispy Kreme donuts.  One because I wanted something sweet and two because I thought Z might like that when we picked him up.

At the hotel we laid down for nap.  It was about 4 O'clock in the afternoon now.  I slept until about 6:30pm and then we walked across the street to Shoney's.  It wasn't that great.  We came back watched some T.V.  The whole time I was worrying and praying for Z hoping everything was okay.

Sunday

Today we slept in a little and then checked out of the Hotel.  We left to go visit some family in the area.  It was nice and pleasant as this visitation was for once not connected to a funeral or wedding or other formal occasion.

They have a beautiful place along the river and I could tell Z would really like it there if we got the chance to bring him with us.  He would be fishing all day or even kayak with me. We enjoyed a full home-made breakfast complete with scratch made biscuits and gravy.  We talked for hours and caught up on life and spoke of Z and how much of a great fit he would be with our family.  We cried a little of family pains and laughed at family pranks as well as memorialized loved one who had passed on.

The time had come for us to pick up Z.  We were supposed to meet them at a certain location but we had no GPS signal to find our way out which made us running late.  We ended up meeting them at the hotel where we had stayed.

Z got in and asked if we could run to the gas station for a drink and snacks.  While on the road he played music and devoured the donuts we had gotten him.  He also spoke some of his visit which he was never really enthusiastic about.  Also revealed some comments his dad had spoke of to him. 

When we got home he wanted to fix a special dinner for my family.  So we had invited my parents, brother and sister-in-law over.  He made us Mexican pasta and a cake.  It was all very good.  We had a moment of crisis though.  As soon as we pulled in the driveway he was so excited about cooking he jumped out and headed straight for the kitchen. 

I was on a phone call and then when it ended I went inside to join him and soon discovered he had not checked his ingredient and we were missing some items.  So the wife had to run out and this I asked my parents to stop by the store on their way over too.  It turned out great and everyone enjoyed it.  Lesson learned...check your ingredients before cooking.  That's okay, he was excited.  We were too!

This would be the last time the family got to be with Z.

Monday

I don't remember a great deal about this day in particular.  I do know I spent some time working with reaching out to Z's case workers and team to express his concerns. That evening we went night swimming in my sister-in-laws pool.  I found that this is a good time to have serious talks.

So we discussed further about his concerns and anxieties returning home.  He asked for me to setup a time for him to speak to his case workers which I told him I already did.  Anticipating his desire to do it.  

I also encouraged him to continue with the planned over night home visit again the next day and then he should speak to his case worker after that.  He agreed but it was pulling at my heart knowing he didn't want to go home.

Somehow we also managed to kill another pool float.  I really enjoyed this time swimming together.  It's a great time to talk about life.  My other favorite time is of course sitting around a campfire.

Tuesday

Today we took Z to the agency office to be transported back home.  On the way there his whole demeanor changed.  I hate that.  It is noticeable.  

Wednesday

Waking up again in an empty house.  Enjoying the quiet time.  Today I plan on reaching out to our law firm to ask questions about Z's rights and returning home.

I learn that he actually DOES NOT have the right to chose where he lives.  However, is of the age that the court would take into account his preference.  My best course of action according to my attorney is to contact his Gaudian Ad Litem (GAL).

I reach out to the agency to find out the contact info and also learn that his GAL has never spoken to Z.  I am not too happy about this.  How is it ethical that an attorney can represent a client and the interests of that client without ever meeting that client.  Apparently I learn that is not uncommon.  I see reform in the future.  I will probably reach out to our state representatives.  It should be mandated for the GAL to meet with these kiddos every so often and within regulated time frames.

The agency tells me that they have scheduled another team meeting on his case and would keep me updated. In the mean time Z arrives home and we begin dinner plans.  His case worker should be coming over but an emergency pops up and now she will be coming the next day.

Z decides to mow the yard to kill time.  Sounds great to me!  Later he wants go swimming again. So we do.  Little did I know this would be our last swim.  Should have stayed longer.

We also decided earlier that since he would be returning home to begin his 90 day trial visit that weekend that we would go to Pigeon Forge Thursday and Friday night and have fun.  While also getting him some needed clothes.  Several friends and family along with our church actually pitched in some funds for clothes as well.

Thursday

This morning it was raining.  I love rainy days.  I opened up the doors to the house and let the fresh air breeze through.  Today is the day which I am anxious about.  We leave for Pigeon Forge tonight wondering if it will be our last time spent with Z or if he will be coming back home with us.

His case worker arrives and they sit and talk in the living room.  He scrolls through the TV sitting on the couch while she talks with him.  Encouraging him to open up.  I go and sit next to him, tell him to sit up and speak up.  Trying to offer him support.  He tells her of his preference not to return home and why.

She listens and makes notes in her laptop but tells him they will continue as planned.  He is disappointed as are we.  She tells him it is the last time he will see her.  In my previous conversations with him he has expressed his distrust and disappointment with everyone involved in his case.  I can see why.  After she leaves I make another phone call and learn there could still be a possibility of some meetings going on but it wont be decided until the next afternoon.  

So we instruct Z to begin packing his items and preparing for our trip to Pigeon Forge.  I have the hotel room booked using my points.  I typically get to travel alot during the year but not this year.  I have lots of points saved up but never used.  I can think of no better reason to use my points than to spend them on creating positive experiences for others.

I continue to pray throughout the day.

The afternoon comes we leave for Pigeon Forge.  I notice Z has a few items still left in his room.  He says he doesn't want to take them home yet.  He is afraid they might broken, stolen, etc.  Says if he doesn't end up going home we can bring them to him.  I agree and decide to not force the issue. I can feel his sadness and disappointment. 

Along the way he asks if he can play his music.  I music provides a sort of therapy to me so I let him use my phone and allow him to select whatever he wants.  It's a quiet ride for the most part.  

We arrive and get checked into the Hotel.  He picks his bed, closest to the A/C (usually my spot but I concede it for him).  After getting settle we head out for dinner.  The plan is to take him to the Old Mill but we soon discover the amount of traffic and people and also timing is an issue with trying to get everything done before places close.  

When we arrive at the Old Mill and I can tell it will be a very long wait.  So we head back towards the Hotel and eat at TGI Fridays which he had never been to.  It was only a 5 minute wait.  Not bad.  I encourage him to get whatever he wants while the wife and split.  He chooses a pasta.  I also order the loaded potato skins because that is what you do at TGI Friday's.  He enjoyed it and didn't have any left overs.  He was trying to decide between a couple of options and so I offered that we would get the other option and he could try some of ours.  (I am a "have your cake and eat it too" type of person).

Next, was putt-putt.  We made a short skip over the Old MacDonald Putt-Putt began playing our game.  We bought the 3 game package. Wasn't how long we would spend but I figured we may play at least two and maybe come back to play another game later.  We did alright.  Wasn't really keeping scores but Z got a couple of hole-in-ones and several times he lost his ball.  One time it went in the little creek and while he was hunting for it I tool the opportunity to give him a little splash!  I can still hear him exclaim my name in disappointment and surprise!

The wife scored a hole-in-one on the 18th hole which won an additional game.  While playing the second game I could tell Z was losing interest and it also began to get crowded so we decided to ditch and get dessert (hopefully a funnel cake).  On the way out the attendant noticed we did not complete the second game and told us he would reload our tickets which were good for a year should we return.  So now we have 7 total games left we can play.

We begin our search for a place that is open to get funnel cake.  I figure the best place to go would be the Three Bears store.  Unfortunately their deli was closed for the night when we got there.  So we looked around a little at the gifts and novelties.  I find some customizable Christmas ornaments and I began imagining having our names inscribed on them.  Three bears dressed in Santa Hats surrounded in snow with a name spot under one, "Kristi, Davan, & Z".  I start imagining "All I want for Christmas is us to be together".

After browsing a little bit we leave and head back to the hotel.  Z mentions he has never been to Applebee's and I know they stay open late and also have a great Blue Ribbon Brownie dessert.  So we head there and grab it to go.  Back at the hotel we enjoy our dessert and watch a movie.

The Last Friday

Today I woke up and had to start early.  I had to work half a day remotely which requires me to be logged in by 8am.  I hate the "norm constraints" of working.  Who ever came with an 8am to 5pm workday should be tarred and feathered.  I guess that's just my rebellious nature though.

So I drag myself out of bed while everyone else in the room sleeps.  Prepare my coffee and get dressed before going downstairs to see what this COVID breakfast is like in the hotel.  It's not bad actually.  The standard Holiday Inn breakfast which is scrambled eggs and cinnamon rolls.  I like to add some cheddar cheese, salt & pepper, and a little dash of Tabasco sauce to my eggs when traveling.  They didn't have the cheese, oh well!

I decide to eat outside by the fire pit in a socially distanced way and enjoy the cool morning air with the view of mountains in the distance. Next is back to the room to get setup and logged in.

I try to quietly get everything setup and begin to log in.  Thankfully it is a quiet morning and there is no activity and until everyone starts getting up.  The wife and Z head downstairs for breakfast and return. Afterwards Z asks about going to the pool which requires us to have a reservation.  I tell him to call the front desk and make a reservation but he is shy.  Something for us to work on.  So I call the front desk and book a time from 10am to noon.

He asks me to join him and although I could work from anywhere the hotel room is quieter and I am worried about background noise if I go outside.  But it does sound nice to have a change of environment and I like being outside anyways.  I grab my headset, which I hate to wear, and take it with me.  Z gets to enjoy some time in the pool while I keep watch on him.  The wife gets to have the room to herself as she finishes getting dressed and watch some TV until I am through working.  A win-win-win.  Looking back, I wish I had jumped in the poo with him one last time or even just taken the whole day off.

He stayed in the pool until about 11:30.  I honestly thought he would stay longer but he didn't, probably because he was all alone.  I stayed outside working until the end enjoying the outdoors.  The wife texted me and told me she was ready for lunch and asked where we were going.  The plan was to take Z to Fuddruckers.  One of my other favorite places for a fresh burger and their fries.

Next stop after lunch was Tanger Outlets to do some clothe shopping for Z.  He was so thrilled (NOT!) but it was necessary.  He only had a few pairs for athletic shorts and t-shirts when he came to us.  Not sure where and what happened to his other clothes but I am pretty sure he has outgrown them.  I would have think the previous family would have got him some clothes.  What I knew was that he was returning home and his family certainly didn't have the means to provide clothing for him.  

I am still not in agreement with them returning home as I just don't see how their birth parents are able to adequately provide for the kiddos.  I know there are many parents out there that struggle and kudos to them.  I have learned a lot about parenting and the worries, stresses, and emotional tolls that role has in the last several weeks.  My sister-in-law laughs at me now because I can say , "I get it".

We visit several stores looking for items he could use as we head into another season. We argue over sizes a little, he thinks one size and I think another.  Because of COVID it's hard to try things on.  We make a little compromise and go on.  While shopping we stop at the pretzel shop and get some pretzels, another traditional thing we do when at Tanger Outlets.  

We finally get the call we were expecting.  It is the case team on Z's case and they are wanting to speak with him.  This is the call could decide what is finally going to happen.  Z staying with us a little longer or going home immediately.  Z takes the phone outside by himself.  I ask him if he wants me to go with him he says, "No".  So I stay with the wife as she looks for shoes and give him his privacy.  "Maybe he be bold and brave if I give him some privacy?" I think to myself.  I keep an eye on him through the store windows.  For a moment I loose him as he walks around.

The wife becomes disinterested in shopping and I decide to walk outside to find Z.  I can't find him but he spots me and walks over to hand me the phone.  He has already disconnected it.  I could see the look in his face it wasn't good.  I ask him how it went. He says, "It's stupid stuff and I hung up on them!".  My heart sinks and I know we just need to make the best of the time we have left.

As we finish our shopping Z looks over at the attraction across the parking lot and makes a comment, "I'd like to ride Go-Karts, I have never been there." so I look at my watch to judge time, we have reservations for dinner and figure we have a couple of hours to spare.

Off to the Nascar Speed park we go.  I purchase two unlimited passes for us.  The wife just wants to watch and that works because she can grab some photos of us.  We start with some indoor bumper cars.  It was kind of wild because every so often the cars would just start spinning in circles.  Next was outside to the bumper boats.  I had not rode those since a family trip to Disney World when I was about 10 years old.  It was fun but very difficult to maneuver.  The look on his face was priceless.  After that was the Go-Karts.  We did a couple of different ones.  

When I got to the first Go-Kart track we rode I had not considered the restraints and whether or not they would fit me.  I have been on a lifestyle change since the spring to lose weight and take better care of myself. I have lost almost 30 Ibs since then.  Thankfully the seatbelts were fine.  It was a little snug but it fit. I was so relieved.  That is one of the reasons I have been on this new lifestyle journey so I would not have to miss out on fun activities anymore because of my weight. It's one of the worst feelings in the world to jump on a roller coaster to enjoy with someone and the restraint won't buckle.  Then comes the walk of shame.

But not TODAY.  Today I get to ride and enjoy myself with Z.  The work has paid off in this case.  We spun around the track racing and hitting those tight corners like pros.  There was one time he caught turned around and needed the attendant to straighten him back out but it was great fun.

We left there smelling of asphalt and fuel to our dinner experience.  Tonight was going to be special.  A Brazilian steakhouse dinner with endless meats and grilled pineapple then a trip to Gatlinburg for some more fun.  While at the restaurant  he enjoyed my introduction to Heinz 57 sauce and really went to town on the Pineapple.  Probably at least 8 servings.

In Gatlinburg we went to the Mysterious Mansion.  One of my favorite haunted houses.  Personally, I believe they are better than Ripley's Haunted Adventure and actually better priced.  The wife stayed outside and got a couple of pictures.  While we were waiting to go inside Z kept antagonizing me to make my creepy laugh.  So of course I did.  It apparently attracted the attention of some of the workers who wanted to know who was doing that.  The ghostly ghouls came and visited us from the balcony on the roof.  It was our time to go inside.  If you have never been I won't give away much but this a spoiler alert...the first room you have to find your way out of it.  It's a mystery.  I know how to escape it but I wanted to let Z figure it out.  As soon as he opened the door he got his first jump scare.  The actor was right there.  After that he refused to go first.  I kept telling him he needed to go first because I already knew it and it would be better for him to go first but he refused.  Clinging to the tail of my shirt.  

So, since I had to proceed first I decided to play along as if I had never been there before.  He enjoyed himself and seeing my "scared".  I honestly just laugh the whole time in there.  Who doesn't appreciate a good scare?  

The next stop was strolling down the strip to find some funnel cake and then to my favorite place.  The Village.  We found a street vendor and got a large funnel cake and split it.  It was great.  I only had a couple of small pieces and the wife ate about 1/3 while Z got the rest.  H was looking for a drink and I knew that place had some fresh lemonade which is his favorite so I bought him a lemonade.

Then we proceeded to the Village as we looked at a few shops along the way and in the village there is a great gathering place at the fountain.  But first, a restroom strop from restaurant.  It was after this that I got my last good picture of all of us.  Z doesn't like his picture taken and it is rare when he agrees to let us take a picture.  I had to of course bribe him a little.  He wanted to get a picture of me sitting on a small horse statue, so I agreed.  Then we got to take our "family" picture.

Afterwards we went to our favorite coffee shop hidden in the maze that is the village to grab some Chai Tea.  Z was going to get some but found out they had slushies.  So he got a Tiger's Blood and Coconut Slushy.  He had me at Tiger's blood! My favorite flavor!  Oh, by the way, side note; if you get a chance my favorite shaved ice place is Beach Hut located in Kingsport, TN. It's to believe I have been going there for 20 years now!

After we got our treat he asked if we could go sit by the fountain.  "Sure!" that's what I was planning anyways.  It was there we talked some of him wanting to stay with us and sad going home.  He asked me if I had any coins in my pocket as we sat on the side of the fountain with him looking down into the water, noticing the other coins in there.  

I reached in my pocket, I rarely carry cash so I rarely have coins but I did tonight.  I pulled out two coins.  One for him and one for me.  We both tossed it in together.

"What did you wish for?" he says.

"You're not supposed to say out loud, it won't come true!" I say.  "What did YOU wish for?"

"Probably the same thing you did." he replies.

So, what did I wish for?  I wished for him to be able to stay with us and for us to be a family.  That is what I wished for.  And I knew he wished the same.

We stayed a little longer and finished our drinks.  Then we headed back to the hotel. Hoping to possibly get there before the pool closed.  Unfortunately we ran into some traffic as soon as we got back to Pigeon Forge and to take a back road.  By the time we got back it was too late.

I knew how bad he wanted to swim one more time and I wanted to as well.  So I told him to stay in the room and I would go down to speak to the front desk person.  I took a little money with me to try to bribe them if necessary.  When I got there I saw it was an older lady.  Well, I tried giving a sob story of it being our last time or opportunity but she was having none of it. 

So I walk back to the room feeling defeated.  You know, when I worked in hospitality we had this one video that we watched.  It was called, "Everyone has a story".  You never know what someone is dealing with on a daily basis behind their smile or actions.  So having some compassion and showing grace can go a long ways.  Here is that link.  It is just under 3 minutes but worth a watch.

Instead Z said, "Hey! Let's watch some movies.  It's our last night.". It is sad to realize that and a great suggestion from him.  Why not sacrifice some sleep for the last hours we get to spend together.  It also reminds me of the first night camping, the night before he had to go home for the first time.  That's all he wanted to do. Most people want to sleep so they can began the next day when they are excited.  But those that don't want the day to come they try to delay it by not sleeping.  I can feel that anxiety and also the desire to spend as much time together as possible.

But before we began the binge watching Kristi and I had prepared for the occasion.  We have made it a tradition that when someone comes into our home they receive a welcome gift.  A goodie bag of their favorite snacks or treats (if we can find out) and also a going away present of some sort.  This was not different.  I had told Z on Wednesday that we had a gift for him.  It was actually three gifts.  A Gift of Time, a Gift of Experience, and a Gift of Light.  He has bugged me since then what those gifts are.  

Apparently he doesn't like the anticipation and just wanted me to tell him so he could act surprised.  As much as I wanted to tell him I just couldn't because I didn't want to ruin them.  So, after we all had our showers we sat down in the hotel room and gave him his gifts.  I told him that the first gift was the Gift of Experience (shopping, dining, and play) in Pigeon Forge.  The gift of experience was provided in part by several generous people who had never met Z but have felt the joy and the love he brought into our lives.  The next gift was that of light.  My wife made a special bottle lamp just for him that was decorated with fishing, camping, and swimming art.  He placed by his bed and slept with it on that night.  The final gift was of Time.  This gift was a watch from my own private collection.  Every man should have at least three watches.  A watch for everyday wear, a watch for active wear (sports/athletics) and a dress watch.  I had already bought Z a sports watch.  This gift was a dress watch with a rose gold face and bezel as well as a brown leather band.  For those that know me, I have a pretty nice watch collection and even turned that passion into a business with LionWatchCo.  Along with the watch was a letter.  In that letter I told him what affect he had on myself and others whom he had come in contact with.  And that is life is like The Butterfly Effect.  The smallest act can sometimes have the most immeasurable result.  We may not see it now but others will.  I would be proud to have a son just like him.

After the receiving of gifts I got a great big hug from Z.  It is one of my favorite moments.

And so we begin, we watch movies for as long as I can.  I lasted until 3am.  I so wanted to stay longer but I just couldn't  I said "Goodnight Z, sweet dreams!" for the last time and went to bed.

Last Day

Here it is.  The final day.  I wake up and see Z still asleep.  Late night watching movies of course.  I stand there watching him sleep knowing it is the last time I will get to wake him up and say good morning.  I wait.  Holding onto the moment as long as I can.

I go to make my cup of coffee and make him one too.  I begin to wake the wife up. I don't want to but we need to beat the traffic to our favorite breakfast restaurant.  It is our tradition to go to the Applewood Restaurant on the last day for breakfast before leaving.  

After waking the wife and letting her get to the bathroom and vanity first I place the cup of coffee I had made in Z's hand.  His hand is held out perfectly to place the cup there.  I tell him "Good Morning Sunshine! It's time to get up."

He squeeze the cup in his hand, opens his eyes with a smile.  Looks down at the cup, takes a sip and places it on the night stand.

We soon begin the packing up and check out of the hotel. Headed to our breakfast spot Z is quiet.  We get there and can see there is a line but it doesn't look bad.  We place our name on the list and wait our 20 minutes.  During this time I know my sister-in-law wants to say goodbye so I call and let him talk to her.  She can take the role of the crazy aunt.

Our table is called and we enjoy breakfast together.  He really enjoys the apple fritters they bring to the table and we order a second helping.  I slip away to the bathroom to secretly text Z's birth family to coordinate the transfer meeting.  We set the time and place.  I now have a count down clock.

After we eat we head to Walmart to get just a few more clothing items.  Some cargo pants and boxers.  He also picks out another hoodie (He really likes hoodies).  I had to compromise with him because he didn't want pants so I suggested I will allow him to get another hoodie (his third one on this trip) if he picked out a pair of pants.  He complies reluctantly but we both accomplish a goal.

As we are leaving Wal-Mart he asks us what our full names are.  So I tell him and he asks what a maiden name.  So I explain what a maiden name is and how that works.  Then he asks if I know his full name.  So I tell him (according to the legal documents I have seen on his file).  He says nothing.  In retrospect, I wonder if he is asking me if I would call him by my last name?  I would.

He next tells us how much he appreciated everything we have done for him and thanks us for the trip, the experience, and gifts.  Sweet kid.

The next stop was another store.  A place he had never been and also the place where we were meeting his family.  So we got there early so he could look around.  It wasn't long and we got a call.  They were there.  It was time.  We had drive across the street to meet them because there was no room in the parking lot.  In that short distance he made several comments of just wanting to get a plane or anything to go somewhere else, just not home.  It broke my heart.  I would do anything by I was legally obligated to transfer physical custody to his parents.

We get there and I greet his parents and say hello to Z's younger brother whom we also made a lamp for.  The wife and him had somehow created a little bond in the brief moments they have had together.  Z loads his stuff in their car and we say bye.

They drive off and I return to my now empty car.  Z is gone.  I just can't.  It hits me hard.  I love him, I miss him already.  I breakdown and cry.  It feels like a death. The wife tries to console me but know there is nothing she can do.  Where do I go now? What do I do?  

Prior to leaving for this trip I had reached out to my cousins who live close by to ask if we could stay Satuday night if necessary.  So I called to confirm we would head that way.  Cousin Jeff asks, "Come on, we're expecting you! Is your son with you?"

I couldn't speak.  I just paused.  I didn't know what to say or how to say it. "No, he is not with us.  We just gave him back to his brith parents." I finally reply.

"Well, that's okay. Come on, we will see you in little bit." He says.

Because they live in an area not great on cell service I download the Google map for that area.  While downloading I just sit there in the parking lot crying some more. The downloads are finished.  I put the car in Drive and begin to pull away.  Leaving the spot I had last seen Z.  I lingered before getting in his parents vehicle.  Lingered next me.  I could tell he wanted another hug but his mother was in between us and I know he didn't want to show affection towards someone else that wasn't his parents.  It would cause more questions from them he didn't want to have to answer.

On the way I reached to my mom to let her know we just handed Z over and were on our way to our cousin's house so she would know where and how to reach us.  I dialed and she answered.  She asked about Z and I couldn't speak.  I couldn't say the words again.  I just sat in silence driving.  She knew the answers to all her questions without my response.  Kristi had to speak for me to tell her what we were doing.

I drove for the next hour in silence, trying to compose myself before arriving at my cousins.  I still had my moments of tears.  It was good seeing them once again and have hugs, love, and good food.  I asked for a stiff drink and then another.  I sipped my drink as Cousin Jeff and I talked and processed the experience together.  Then I went to take a nap while dinner was being prepared.  

That night and the next day, Sunday, I sat on their back deck over looking the river.  Praying and thinking how much Z would love to be there too.  We stayed most of the day Sunday telling family stories passed on down from generation to generation.  Laughing and crying.  The whole time in the back of my head I am still thinking about Z and hoping he alright and everything is fine.

Sunday (First Day without Z)

About 3 p.m. we decide to finally head back home.  I have delayed the inevitable long enough.  It is time to return to our now empty home.  I have to prepare to work again the next day.

It is a fairly quiet ride home.  The wife and I talk a little but I am still in a little shock.  At home we unpack our bags.  I grab the pillow that Z brought from his room on the trip and give it a hug as if I was giving him a hug.  

Typically we would begin cleaning/straightening up the guest room now and preparing for the next kiddo.  But I just can't yet.  I just can't.  It needs to be done but not yet.  Instead we go over and visit my parents.  I watch an old movie while mom works on a sewing project and we eat dinner together.  

It is now 8 p.m..  Time to go home.  "But why? To what? There is nothing there!" I think to myself. I say, "I have to do the thing that I don't want to do." Mom says, "I know it's hard honey.  It will be okay." as she offers comfort.  I know she hurts when I hurt.

Afterthoughts

It has been almost a week now and I can't help but replay things in my head.  Things he said and did.  Wondering if there was something more behind those things he had said or commented on.  Analyzing thing he did or behaviors.  Perhaps one day I can ask him again.

For now we are not accepting any placements.  We will explore this time together and process our experience.  We had a lot come at us all at once unexpectedly.  First was a respite that turned into a two week placement, that although was a good kid, required more therapeutic methods than we were experienced for.  Then, concurrently we received Z.  And again, unexpectedly, we became very quickly attached.

I was reading in a book that Z left for me.  It was speaking about attachment and bonding with foster kiddos.  The reason why states require a family to have a foster kiddo for at least 6 months prior to adoption is because it takes at least that long to form real bonds and attachments.  It also described those bonds and attachments.  It did not take that long for us and Z.  It only took 72 hours.

Am I still grieving, yes. I still miss him and think of him every day.  We still find remnants of his presence around the house. I walk past the room where he stayed and think of it as his room.  It is empty now.

We held true to my personal motto.  A motto I have kept since I as Scoutmaster.  #MakeEveryMomentCount